A new day, a new view

Today things look a lot different than they did yesterday. I was so down after my dr appointment yesterday. I felt hopeless and angry. I self medicated with food. A lot of food. It made me feel better for about 5 mins. Then I felt sick and my stomach hurt bad. I also felt guilty and stupid for what I had done to my body, yet again. I know that one binge will not ruin everything I have accomplished but, it will slow down my progress. It also shows me that I still have a lot to learn. I should have figured out something else to turn to in times of stress by now. I know that it is all a mind game at this point. I am taking back control right now! This second. I had my oatmeal and peanut butter for breakfast. I am about to have a cup of coffee. I will have a healthy lunch and dinner. Today will be my first day back on track. I can do this.

Whatever is going on with Jon will work itself out. We have made it this far. We will make it. Last night I was full of doubts. None of those really had to do with Jon. I was focusing on me and my failures. No more! Jon is a good man. But, he is a man. We don't always think the same way. Just because I would have went with him and/or called him doesn't mean that he felt it needed to be done. I will never understand him but, I do love him. All I need to make it work is a little bit of hope. I have hope that everything in my life will work out so, it will.

Just need to gripe for a minute---Not weight related

Warning: The following post is full of negative feelings that I need to dump somewhere. The thoughts in this post are not necessarily rational nor will they make sense 100% of the time.

Ugh. Why can't I just be freaking healthy?!??! I mean, come on! I have changed EVERYTHING about my life and KEEP having to deal with dumb sh*t when it comes to my health. My whole life I was OBESE and did nothing but sit on the couch and eat chips and bonbons. Other than my weight number I was completely healthy. No diabetes, no blood pressure problems, no cholesterol issues, nothing! Since losing weight I have had one health issue after another and I am so tired of it. I have had heart palpitations, carotid artery issues, had pneumonia, and been diagnosed with exercise induced asthma. It makes me want to grab a bag of chips and park my hiney on the sofa. Now I am facing another health crisis. I just want it to stop. I just want to be healthy. Last week my leg started hurting right behind my knee. It was swollen and red. I figured it was fine, no biggie. Tuesday Jon made me go to the doctor because it was getting worse. They diagnosed me with Phlebitis. Fine. It is fine. They sent me to a vascular surgeon today. According to them I have a blood clot in my leg. Isn't that something that happens to 75 year olds? WTH?! Either way, I have to go back to the Vascular Surgeon on the 25th to have a rescan to check on the blood clot and to talk to them about having surgery to remove the veins that are causing the problem (varicose veins that I have had since I was 18). For real? I signed up for the Peachtree Road Race 10K on Sunday and now this. They don't want me running at all until after this is sorted out. That lends itself to training for the PRR. UGH!

If all of this wasn't enough to drive me crazy, things aren't going very well with Jon right now. We got into a big argument Tues night and it is just weird between us now. It isn't even that we are mad at each other. It is more an indifference. Not good. He didn't offer to go to my doctors appointment with me today, like he normally does. In fact, he hasn't even called to see what the Vascular Surgeon said. What is weirder than that is that I am ok about it all. Scary in a not so scary sort of way...

So, told you it wouldn't be vary rational.

Really? Seriously? And whose fault would that be?!

Yep, that would be my fault. That is what happens when you eat whatever you want to and not exercise at all. You might be wondering what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that I have only lost 5 lbs in 9 weeks. I am disgusted with myself. I am so pissed at myself right now that I can't even explain it. What am I thinking? What happened 9 weeks ago that made me feel like I could eat whatever I wanted? I have heard so many people talk about how hard it is to lose the last 10 or 20 lbs. I always thought it was hard because they didn't have as much to lose. It is so hard for me right now because I am eating like crap all the time. Today I haven't even tried to figure out how many calories I have had. I am sure it is close to 3000. It makes me sick to think about. I had a long and stressful day and used that as an excuse to eat like crap. Yes, I did ask my husband for a divorce today but that doesn't give me an excuse to eat like I might not ever get to eat again. And that doesn't explain why I have eaten like crap for the last 9 weeks. I think it all starting going down hill when I hit a size 10 in pants and an overweight instead of obese BMI. I have used school, being sick, and the stress of life as an excuse to eat bad. I think I got to comfortable with my size/bmi and started slacking big time. It isn't enough. I haven't reached my goals and I am not happy with my size. I can't do this to myself. Egads. How in the heck do I break through this? I will have a good couple of days where I hold myself accountable and then I go off of the eating deep end again. Hold on, brb.

Ok, I couldn't stop thinking about it so I went and figured up how many calories I have had today. Here it is in black and white for the whole world to see:
Oatmeal w/ peanut butter and coffee 250 calories
Chic-fil-a Grilled chicken sandwich & fries: 700 calories
Dairy Queen Chicken Wrap: 300 calories
Dairy Queen Child Fries: 150 calories
Dairy Queen 1/2 Hot Dog: 150 calories
Stir Fried Veggies: 100 calories
Chicken Fried Rice: 150 calories

So: I ended my day around 1800 calories. Not as bad as I thought but way worse than it should have been. I have got to get a grip or I am going to weigh 305 lbs again. I am not gaining but I am not losing either and I am not happy about that. I want to stay between 1200-1500 calories a day. I think I need to see a shrink. I am having such a hard time with this. It has become a mind game that I play with myself. Why didn't I have this problem the first 15 or 16 months of this journey? BLAH!

Where do I go wrong at the grocery store???

Lately I have been reading a lot (and I do mean a lot) of blogs where people are only spending $40-$50 a week on groceries for a family of four. I spend at least $100-$125 a week on groceries to feed my family of four. Where do I go wrong? I don't clip coupons. I don't know how. Is there some secret to it? Do I need to take a class on how to clip coupons and save money on my groceries?! I don't mind spending the time to organize and do it but I don't even know where to get started. I have seen the websites that you have to pay and they will help you in the coupon arena. I guess they tell you what is on sale where and what not? I don't want to/need to spend money on that. I just need to learn how to do it on my own. We have got to get on a budget and now. Ugh. One more thing that I need to learn and do...

My body hates me. :)

Ok, so not really. My body is pretty good to me most of the time. But, this week it wasn't nice to me. I ate really healthy all by 2 meals this week. One meal was a planned off meal. Neither were overly bad. I felt like I would lose weight this week. I was hoping to lose a lot of weight since it was my first week back on track in a month. Did I lose a lot of weight? Did I lose any weight? NO. I gained 1/2 lb. Doesn't seem right does it? :) The only think I can figure is PMS caused the issue. Just means that next week I will have a bigger loss. Right? Right? Right!

Today I have been on track. So far I have had my oatmeal and coffee- 200 calories and 2 cups of fresh veggies (carrots, cucumbers, cauliflower, broccoli, and mushrooms- 50 calories with 2 TBSP ranch veggie dip- 60 calories, and 1 marshmallow- 25 calories. So far I am up to 335 calories. I will have lunch around 3:30pm. Not sure what I am going to have. Probably a leftover Boca burger from dinner last night. Yum. Ok, will update later.

3/05/09

Today will be my second day back on track. I did pretty well yesterday and stuck to my plan. It feels good to be back on plan and have control over my eating again. Yay!

6am: Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal w/ 1 t peanut butter & 1/2 C coffee- 200 calories

I plan to have a banana around 10am. I will have a salad with a few ounces of chicken off the EGG (the BEST grill/smoker in the world) for lunch. I am not sure what dinner will be yet. I have school tonight so unless I find something to throw in the crockpot dinner will be up to Jon. Gotta think about it. Today WILL be a great, OP day!

Trying to write it all down

6:00 am: Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal w/ 1 teaspoon of peanut better & 1/2 cup coffee: 200 calories
10:45 am: 2 slices of homemade pizza & salad w/ free Catalina dressing: 400 calories

I will probably have a banana for a snack in a few hours. I will have about 600 calories left for dinner. We are having Red Beans and Rice tonight. For the rice, beans, and mock smoked sausage. I think it comes out to about 450 calories per serving (1C cooked rice, 2oz sausage, and 3/4C beans). That is a lot! It is a lot of food too. Maybe I wont eat that much? Should have looked it up before I put the stuff in the crock pot. :) I will have salad w/ free Catalina also. That will add about 50 calories to the total. Maybe we will have some kind of steamed veggie to bulk up the meal so I will eat less rice and beans. I can pull today out as long as I don't mindlessly snack or add an extra meal to my day. Keep your fingers crossed.

I don't want to talk about it! Or maybe I do...

I am sure that you can tell that I don' want to talk about it since it has been over a month since I posted. It isn't good but it really isn't that bad either. <----That is the excuse I have been using ALL year long. That is why I now weight 162 lbs. That means in the first 9 weeks of this year I have only lost 5.5 lbs. 9 weeks-5.5lbs...not very good. It sucks that I have spent the last month losing and gaining the same 3 lbs. I have all kinds of excuses-I had pnemonia the whole month of Feb, my daughter has been sick off and on for 3 weeks, school is kicking my butt-but that is all they are: EXCUSES! The truth is harder to type out here. The truth is I have been slacking big time. I haven't been exercising at all. I could fit it into my day if I would manage my time better. I have been eating pretty much whatever I want to. I am blessed and thankful that I haven't gained a million lbs. I should have by now. I am mad at myself for my behavior over the last 2 months. When I got sick I started to use food as comfort. That is a habit I broke a long time ago. WTF? Why did I start that again? I haven't been drinking enough water. I have still been drinking around 75 oz a day, but I was drinking 2 gallons (256 ozs) a day. Lately, I have been drinking Coke Zero. That is stupid. I hadn't drank a soda in over a year until I got sick. Comfort. Has nothing changed??? I thought I had found things outside of food/drinks to comfort me. Gotta get my mind around this and NOW. Ugh. Wanna know how bad I have been lately? Yeah, me too. So, I am going to type out what I ate yesterday and try to add calorie content to it. Maybe seeing it in number will make a difference. Maybe it will make me change the direction that I am going in. Today is a new day and I CAN do this. Here we go:

5am: Apple Cinnamin oatmeal w/ 1 teaspoon peanut butter & coffee: 250 calories
9am: Chicken Biscuit w/ hashbrown & unsweet tea: 850 calories (Ouch)
4pm: Arby's Bacon Blu RoastBurger w/ fries and Pepsi: 1150 calories (my whole days worth) :(
8pm: 3 Slices Homemade Chicken pizza & salad w/ light ranch dressing & water: 600 calories
Total for the day: 2850 calories

That makes me feel sick. I knew I ate really bad, I didn't know it was that bad. Yuck. How do I fix this? It isn't so far gone that it can't be fixed. I haven't gained any weight, I am just not losing either. What did it take in the beginning to get on the wagon? Where did the determination come from? How do I get it back? Yes, I did eat 4 times yesterday. I don't usually do that. The last few weeks I have been and it has to stop now! No more excuses. I have wasted 2 months out of this year. That means I only have 10 months to lose 30 lbs. That is attainable but not if I keep eating like a cow. Weight loss got so easy and I think I got to relaxed about it all. Then the bottom fell out. To reach my year end goals I have to lose 3 lbs a month. I can do that. The NEW me starts today!

That was a lot of talking for someone who doesn't want to talk about it. :) I feel like if I talk about it and face it instead of avoiding it, things will turn around. No more hiding or avoiding. The first step is admitting you have a problem.