Yep, that would be my fault. That is what happens when you eat whatever you want to and not exercise at all. You might be wondering what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that I have only lost 5 lbs in 9 weeks. I am disgusted with myself. I am so pissed at myself right now that I can't even explain it. What am I thinking? What happened 9 weeks ago that made me feel like I could eat whatever I wanted? I have heard so many people talk about how hard it is to lose the last 10 or 20 lbs. I always thought it was hard because they didn't have as much to lose. It is so hard for me right now because I am eating like crap all the time. Today I haven't even tried to figure out how many calories I have had. I am sure it is close to 3000. It makes me sick to think about. I had a long and stressful day and used that as an excuse to eat like crap. Yes, I did ask my husband for a divorce today but that doesn't give me an excuse to eat like I might not ever get to eat again. And that doesn't explain why I have eaten like crap for the last 9 weeks. I think it all starting going down hill when I hit a size 10 in pants and an overweight instead of obese BMI. I have used school, being sick, and the stress of life as an excuse to eat bad. I think I got to comfortable with my size/bmi and started slacking big time. It isn't enough. I haven't reached my goals and I am not happy with my size. I can't do this to myself. Egads. How in the heck do I break through this? I will have a good couple of days where I hold myself accountable and then I go off of the eating deep end again. Hold on, brb.
Ok, I couldn't stop thinking about it so I went and figured up how many calories I have had today. Here it is in black and white for the whole world to see:
Oatmeal w/ peanut butter and coffee 250 calories
Chic-fil-a Grilled chicken sandwich & fries: 700 calories
Dairy Queen Chicken Wrap: 300 calories
Dairy Queen Child Fries: 150 calories
Dairy Queen 1/2 Hot Dog: 150 calories
Stir Fried Veggies: 100 calories
Chicken Fried Rice: 150 calories
So: I ended my day around 1800 calories. Not as bad as I thought but way worse than it should have been. I have got to get a grip or I am going to weigh 305 lbs again. I am not gaining but I am not losing either and I am not happy about that. I want to stay between 1200-1500 calories a day. I think I need to see a shrink. I am having such a hard time with this. It has become a mind game that I play with myself. Why didn't I have this problem the first 15 or 16 months of this journey? BLAH!
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