Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Anger invades my soul.

I am so angry. All the time. If I was a poet then I could put it to good use. Instead I am just angry. Cut off from all other emotions. At the end of my rope with people and situations that I deal with daily. Hatred almost. I am sure at times that is what it is called. Black. Night. Darkness. Anger. Hatred. Fear. Anger. Rage. Yes, rage. Why? Who knows. I don't. Wish I did. Not crazy blind rage but, rage all the same. Freak. Pain. Not depression. Just dispair. Not a big difference, huh? Yeah. Me. Mary Freaking Sunshine. I am just mad.

What set me off today? Same old crap. $300 for a dentist to take x-rays and do nothing more. No cleaning, no anything. I guess I should have went and help his hand. Sick of being the only adult in this marriage. Sick of being married to a 12 year old. No respect, can you tell? The treatment plan---$5000.00! Cause he can't take care of his damn teeth. I have to brush a 5 year olds teeth every night. Guess I should have been taking care of the 32 year olds teeth too. WTH? Anger. Not over the $$$ but, over the maturity of my spouse. There is none. I knew what I was getting into when I married him but, should he grow up at SOME point??? Will it ever end? Wish it would. Wish the anger would just go away. Wish he would go away. No respect, little love, tons of anger!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Kroger to the rescue!


I haven't had time to go grocery shopping for the last 3 weeks. I went today and bought $245.36 worth of groceries. With my Kroger Plus card and a coupon plan from SouthernSavers.com I spent $90.81. I saved $154.55! Hard to believe that I saved that much with just a little planning. I love it!


Thursday, October 22, 2009

I am so sad: For Sumer there are no more tomorrows.

My heart is broken for the Sumer Thompson family in Florida. I normally don't follow much in the news but this story pulls on my heart strings. I am so sad that they found this little girl in the manner that they did. When I heard on the news that she was missing I prayed that they would find her safe and sound. There was no such luck and now her family has to move on with their lives without her. I cried this morning when I heard that she was found dead. I don't know how her family will get through this. I can't imagine what her twin brother feels. 7 years old. It just isn't right. I pray that they find the person responsible. They don't deserve to live. I am so sad.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

My house is a wreck

Seriously? My house is such a mess. It makes me cring. I would spout the same lie that I always do when it comes to why my house is so gross but it obviously isn't the truth. The usual "reason" is that I just don't have time. The truth is that I waste a bunch of time. I have time to type this. I could be doing laundry or the dishes or Lord help I could have cleaned a toilet by now. I should be study but...I got tired of looking at it. It is the same excuse with eating right and exercising. There isn't enough time. Ugh. I want to talk about this more but the computer I am using is demon possessed and I don't have enough time. :)

Friday, October 02, 2009

She's just not that into you...

Yeah, I know. I am sorta stealing the name of a book for my title today. That's alright, I loved the book and learned some stuff from it. But, instead of talking about a guy not being that into me, I am talking about a girl. For the remainder of this post she will be known as Sally. (Not her real name but a spin off of her name.) My heart has been heavy for a long time concerning this person. She has been my very best friend for most of my life. We have known each other since I was born 30.5 years ago. Our moms were best friends so we were around each other all the time. We grew up together and she is 1 of only 2 people that I stayed in touch with from high school. For the last 10 years we have had times of super closeness and times of distance. 10 years ago I gave birth to my first child. Unfortunately, Sally had a hard time getting preggo. She was not there for me during or immediately after I had me son. It hurt but I tried to understand that it was painful for her to be around babies when she couldn't have one of her own. I went through a divorce when my son was 5 months old. Sally wasn't really there for me. She went through a divorce during that time too and while I tried to be there for her, I don't know if I was successful or not.

We both got remarried around the same time. I moved across the state so we didn't get to see each other very often. Once every few months I guess. I called her a bunch but she never called me back and we would go weeks at a time without talking. In 2004 I had my daughter. That seemed to make the distance grow longer between Sally and I. In 2006 Sally had her first miracle baby after several years of trying. We grew closer. I stopped feeling like I was causing pain to her by having my kids around her. She had her 2nd baby really quickly. I think they are less than 18 months apart. Sally's life got really busy and I didn't want to be the selfish needy friend so I decided to take a wait and see approach. If she had time for me then that was great but if not that was ok too. Things were ok.

Truly, if someone was telling me these things about thier friendship I would tell them that they were being petty and that relationships go through highs and lows. That is what makes a lasting friendship, being able to survive the lows. But, here is the kicker. Sally just found put that she is preggo again. Yes I am over the moon for her! I am not impressed with the way that she told me. She sent me a text message in a mass text to all of her friends. WTF? Ok, so it bothered me. It even made me wonder if we are only friends because we have always been friends or if we are friends because of something bigger. That was 3 or 4 weeks ago. I got over it. On Mon I called to see if she wanted to get together that night for a quick dinner. She told me that she couldn't because she and her dh had separated over the weekend and she had no one to watch her kiddos. WTF? Now, don't you think that you call your BEST FRIEND about something like that right after it happens for support? You don't wait a few days and casually text them about it. At least that is me. I would have called Sally. She has always been my support system. Evidently she doesn't feel the same way.

Sally's birthday was this week. I know that she is going through a lot right now so I decided to do something nice for her and take her to lunch. I called and called and she never answered. I text her later in the day to see if she was available. She text back and said that she was swamped at work and would call me back later. She never did. I haven't talked to her since.

I am not mad at her. If fact, I am kind of relieved. I have a better understanding of where I stand. I am ok bowing out. I just don't want to do that while she is going through so much. I also don't want to hang around and be the pathetic loser just hoping that she will need me. So, when is the right time to walk away? If I do it now am I an ass? Should I stay or should I go? It is obvious that she's just not that into me.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

September Summary

I feel like I wasted most of the month. I have let everything get in the way of my focusing on weight loss. I want it, but maybe I don't want it as much as I should. I started the month at 187.6 lbs. I weighed this morning and I was at 183.6 lbs. I was down to 180 a week ago. Makes me wonder what I am so scared of. Every time I get this close to the 170's I start to gain. I guess that Sept wasn't a complete and total waste, I did lose 4 lbs. But, come on! I should be able to lose almost double that. If I would stop eating everything I see then that would happen. I guess I am having a hard time figuring out how to focus on weight loss and live my life at the same time. Weight loss was not hard for me until I started school. Now I have to spend so much time on my school work that I can't spend a ton of time on eating right and exercising. I am sure that I am not getting enough sleep either. Ah, well...it is what it is.

Now lets look at some goals that will get me through the end of this year. I want to be 160 lbs or less by Jan 1 2010. I have to lose 23.6 lbs between now and then to reach that goal. Umm, yeah. That is a loss of 1.8 lbs a week for the next 13 weeks. That means that the crap I pulled in Sept will not work.

I think my biggest problem with food is my parents. I love em, but they eat like crap. And they show love by feeding people. Put those two things together and they are feeding the people that they love crap. Deep fried, battered, sugary goodness. I can't tell them no. I try and I know that it is my health and I should be able to stand up for my well being and say no but maybe it is a respect thing. I don't know. Gotta figure it out or stop going to see them. I don't want to do that, but I don't want to be morbidly obese again either. Why is life so complicated?

Here is to a better October. I will have a better number at the end of this month than last. I hope that we all do.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I don't know how she does it.

Not sure if you saw Biggest Loser last night. If you didn't, get out from underneath that rock and watch it next week. :)

I already have a favorite. Abby is such inspiration to me. Not in the weight loss realm, but in life. I don't know how that lady gets out of bed every day and puts one foot in front of the other. I am in such awe. Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) I complain about how hard my life is, but she makes me pause and see that my life isn't so bad after all. If you didn't see the show, here is the background on Abby. Two years ago she had a loving husband, a beautiful 5 1/2 yr old daughter, and a precious 2 week old son. In one instant they were all gone. They were killed by a speeding driver. How in the world does Abby keep going? How does she smile? I don't know, but I am amazed at her will to heal and live. I can't wait to see the changes that she is able to make to her life through The Biggest Loser.

I sometimes don't see the blessings in life. Because of Abby's story last night, I see the blessings in my life more clearly today. Stop and take the time to see the blessings in your life.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

It's here, it's here, it's here! & GAG Weigh-in 2

This morning was weigh in 2 for the GAG challenge. I was 180.6 lbs! That is a loss of 1.6 lbs! So far I have lost 7 lbs in this challenge. That rocks! I really haven't done this well all year long. It is crazy what a challenge can do for me. I really feel like I can do this. I hope that everyone in the challenge did well this week. Good luck to everyone.

Gotta say just how excited I am about what is coming on TV tonight. I don't really watch TV. I get distracted easily and don't have much time to waste on it. BUT, I LOVE The Biggest Loser and it is BACK tonight. I have been waiting and waiting for it to come back on. I always get so much motivation from that show. I know that it isn't healthy to lose that much that fast and it isn't something that real people in a real life situation could do but it still inspires me. I will have to record it and watch it late because my son has a cub scout meeting, but I know where I will be late tonight. I will be the one on the couch with my nose in the TV!