Kroger to the rescue!

I haven't had time to go grocery shopping for the last 3 weeks. I went today and bought $245.36 worth of groceries. With my Kroger Plus card and a coupon plan from SouthernSavers.com I spent $90.81. I saved $154.55! Hard to believe that I saved that much with just a little planning. I love it!

I am so sad: For Sumer there are no more tomorrows.

My heart is broken for the Sumer Thompson family in Florida. I normally don't follow much in the news but this story pulls on my heart strings. I am so sad that they found this little girl in the manner that they did. When I heard on the news that she was missing I prayed that they would find her safe and sound. There was no such luck and now her family has to move on with their lives without her. I cried this morning when I heard that she was found dead. I don't know how her family will get through this. I can't imagine what her twin brother feels. 7 years old. It just isn't right. I pray that they find the person responsible. They don't deserve to live. I am so sad.

My house is a wreck

Seriously? My house is such a mess. It makes me cring. I would spout the same lie that I always do when it comes to why my house is so gross but it obviously isn't the truth. The usual "reason" is that I just don't have time. The truth is that I waste a bunch of time. I have time to type this. I could be doing laundry or the dishes or Lord help I could have cleaned a toilet by now. I should be study but...I got tired of looking at it. It is the same excuse with eating right and exercising. There isn't enough time. Ugh. I want to talk about this more but the computer I am using is demon possessed and I don't have enough time. :)

She's just not that into you...

Yeah, I know. I am sorta stealing the name of a book for my title today. That's alright, I loved the book and learned some stuff from it. But, instead of talking about a guy not being that into me, I am talking about a girl. For the remainder of this post she will be known as Sally. (Not her real name but a spin off of her name.) My heart has been heavy for a long time concerning this person. She has been my very best friend for most of my life. We have known each other since I was born 30.5 years ago. Our moms were best friends so we were around each other all the time. We grew up together and she is 1 of only 2 people that I stayed in touch with from high school. For the last 10 years we have had times of super closeness and times of distance. 10 years ago I gave birth to my first child. Unfortunately, Sally had a hard time getting preggo. She was not there for me during or immediately after I had me son. It hurt but I tried to understand that it was painful for her to be around babies when she couldn't have one of her own. I went through a divorce when my son was 5 months old. Sally wasn't really there for me. She went through a divorce during that time too and while I tried to be there for her, I don't know if I was successful or not.

We both got remarried around the same time. I moved across the state so we didn't get to see each other very often. Once every few months I guess. I called her a bunch but she never called me back and we would go weeks at a time without talking. In 2004 I had my daughter. That seemed to make the distance grow longer between Sally and I. In 2006 Sally had her first miracle baby after several years of trying. We grew closer. I stopped feeling like I was causing pain to her by having my kids around her. She had her 2nd baby really quickly. I think they are less than 18 months apart. Sally's life got really busy and I didn't want to be the selfish needy friend so I decided to take a wait and see approach. If she had time for me then that was great but if not that was ok too. Things were ok.

Truly, if someone was telling me these things about thier friendship I would tell them that they were being petty and that relationships go through highs and lows. That is what makes a lasting friendship, being able to survive the lows. But, here is the kicker. Sally just found put that she is preggo again. Yes I am over the moon for her! I am not impressed with the way that she told me. She sent me a text message in a mass text to all of her friends. WTF? Ok, so it bothered me. It even made me wonder if we are only friends because we have always been friends or if we are friends because of something bigger. That was 3 or 4 weeks ago. I got over it. On Mon I called to see if she wanted to get together that night for a quick dinner. She told me that she couldn't because she and her dh had separated over the weekend and she had no one to watch her kiddos. WTF? Now, don't you think that you call your BEST FRIEND about something like that right after it happens for support? You don't wait a few days and casually text them about it. At least that is me. I would have called Sally. She has always been my support system. Evidently she doesn't feel the same way.

Sally's birthday was this week. I know that she is going through a lot right now so I decided to do something nice for her and take her to lunch. I called and called and she never answered. I text her later in the day to see if she was available. She text back and said that she was swamped at work and would call me back later. She never did. I haven't talked to her since.

I am not mad at her. If fact, I am kind of relieved. I have a better understanding of where I stand. I am ok bowing out. I just don't want to do that while she is going through so much. I also don't want to hang around and be the pathetic loser just hoping that she will need me. So, when is the right time to walk away? If I do it now am I an ass? Should I stay or should I go? It is obvious that she's just not that into me.

September Summary

I feel like I wasted most of the month. I have let everything get in the way of my focusing on weight loss. I want it, but maybe I don't want it as much as I should. I started the month at 187.6 lbs. I weighed this morning and I was at 183.6 lbs. I was down to 180 a week ago. Makes me wonder what I am so scared of. Every time I get this close to the 170's I start to gain. I guess that Sept wasn't a complete and total waste, I did lose 4 lbs. But, come on! I should be able to lose almost double that. If I would stop eating everything I see then that would happen. I guess I am having a hard time figuring out how to focus on weight loss and live my life at the same time. Weight loss was not hard for me until I started school. Now I have to spend so much time on my school work that I can't spend a ton of time on eating right and exercising. I am sure that I am not getting enough sleep either. Ah, well...it is what it is.

Now lets look at some goals that will get me through the end of this year. I want to be 160 lbs or less by Jan 1 2010. I have to lose 23.6 lbs between now and then to reach that goal. Umm, yeah. That is a loss of 1.8 lbs a week for the next 13 weeks. That means that the crap I pulled in Sept will not work.

I think my biggest problem with food is my parents. I love em, but they eat like crap. And they show love by feeding people. Put those two things together and they are feeding the people that they love crap. Deep fried, battered, sugary goodness. I can't tell them no. I try and I know that it is my health and I should be able to stand up for my well being and say no but maybe it is a respect thing. I don't know. Gotta figure it out or stop going to see them. I don't want to do that, but I don't want to be morbidly obese again either. Why is life so complicated?

Here is to a better October. I will have a better number at the end of this month than last. I hope that we all do.

I don't know how she does it.

Not sure if you saw Biggest Loser last night. If you didn't, get out from underneath that rock and watch it next week. :)

I already have a favorite. Abby is such inspiration to me. Not in the weight loss realm, but in life. I don't know how that lady gets out of bed every day and puts one foot in front of the other. I am in such awe. Sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) I complain about how hard my life is, but she makes me pause and see that my life isn't so bad after all. If you didn't see the show, here is the background on Abby. Two years ago she had a loving husband, a beautiful 5 1/2 yr old daughter, and a precious 2 week old son. In one instant they were all gone. They were killed by a speeding driver. How in the world does Abby keep going? How does she smile? I don't know, but I am amazed at her will to heal and live. I can't wait to see the changes that she is able to make to her life through The Biggest Loser.

I sometimes don't see the blessings in life. Because of Abby's story last night, I see the blessings in my life more clearly today. Stop and take the time to see the blessings in your life.

It's here, it's here, it's here! & GAG Weigh-in 2

This morning was weigh in 2 for the GAG challenge. I was 180.6 lbs! That is a loss of 1.6 lbs! So far I have lost 7 lbs in this challenge. That rocks! I really haven't done this well all year long. It is crazy what a challenge can do for me. I really feel like I can do this. I hope that everyone in the challenge did well this week. Good luck to everyone.

Gotta say just how excited I am about what is coming on TV tonight. I don't really watch TV. I get distracted easily and don't have much time to waste on it. BUT, I LOVE The Biggest Loser and it is BACK tonight. I have been waiting and waiting for it to come back on. I always get so much motivation from that show. I know that it isn't healthy to lose that much that fast and it isn't something that real people in a real life situation could do but it still inspires me. I will have to record it and watch it late because my son has a cub scout meeting, but I know where I will be late tonight. I will be the one on the couch with my nose in the TV!

You lost 101.4 lbs in one week?!?!

I am amazed at the week one results for the GAG challenge. Everyone in the challenge rocks! In fact, in the first week of GAG we as a group have shed an amazing 101.4 pounds! That rocks my socks! I have my fingers crossed that this week will be as great and rewarding for all of us!

Go Team Comet and everyone else in the challenge! Keep it going. We can all reach our challenge goals as long as we stick with it like we did last week!

Team Comet ~ As a team lost 16.10 pounds!
Manda~~ Lost 5.4 pounds and 2.88%
Melisa~~ Lost 5.2 pounds and 2.30%
Laurie~~ Lost 4.2 pounds and 2.19%
Jon~~ Lost 3.6 pounds and 1.53 %
Kim~~ Lost 1.5 pounds and 0.66%
Jones~~ Gained 3.4 pounds and 1.32%
Lanel~~ Gained 0.4 pounds and 0.19%

A little ribbing for Jon. Where ya at? I thought you were going to give me a run for my money. :) I still love you though. :P

Jones and Lanel-Just think, that means you will have a great big loss next week. I know that you ladies can do this. Just hang in there! I am pulling for you.

Good luck, everyone!

One week of GAG in the books. -5.4!

One week of GAG is behind us. Seems like it is going to fast, really. It means that we only have 15 weeks left. I sure hope that a new challenge starts as soon as this one ends. I haven't been this motivated in months. I love it. So, at weigh in this morning I was nicely rewarded. I weighed in at 182.2 lbs this morning. I lost 5.4 lbs this week! Look out 170's, here I come. I can't wait to see the 160's again too. I hope that everyone had as great a week as I did. :)

GAG: Recipe challenge: Pecan Pie

This is a recipe that I make to take to family get togethers, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is a treat without the guilt.

Pecan Pie

For Crust:
2 cups Fiber One- 240 cal, 4 fat, 56 fiber
1/2 cup light butter-400 cal, 48 fat, 0 fiber
Total for whole crust- 640 cal, 52 fat, 56 fiber

For Filling:
3/4 cup water
3/4 cup granular splenda-74 cal, 0 fat, 0 fiber
1/2 cup splenda brown sugar-480 cal, 0 fat, 0 fiber
pinch salt-0 cal, 0 fat, 0 fiber
1/4 c. cornstarch mixed with 4 T. cold water- 120 cal, 0 fat, 0 fiber
2 T. light butter- 100 cal, 12 fat, 0 fiber
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract- 10 cal, 0 fat,0 fiber
3/4 cup pecan halves- 630 cal, 63 fat, 6 fiber
Total for whole filling-1414 cal, 75 fat, 6 fiber

Total for whole pie- 2054 cal, 127 fat, 62 fiber or 37 points
Serving size is 1/10th of pie which= 206 cals, 13 fat, 6 fiber or 4 points

Directions:
Buy or shell 3/4 cup pecans.
In a blender grind Fiber One to a breadcrumb-like consistency.
Melt butter.
Combine crumbs with melted butter. Stir until mixed well. In an oven-safe 9-inch pie dish sprayed lightly with nonstick spray, evenly distribute mixture, using your hands or a flat utensil to firmly press and form the crust. Press it into the edges and up along the sides of the dish. Set aside.
Mix the splenda and splenda brown sugar in a bowl. In a medium saucepan combine the water and sugar mixture.
Bring to a boil and boil for 5 minutes. Add the salt and the dissolved cornstarch, whisking vigorously. Stir and cook over high heat just until the mixture thickens. Remove from heat and stir in the butter and vanilla—stir until the butter is melted.
The mixture will still be fairly liquid.Pour this into the pie shell. Arrange the pecan halves on top, pressing them down into the mixture with the back of a spoon. Just press them down far enough that they get wet on top. Place the pie in the middle of the oven and set the oven to 350 degrees F.
Bake 30 minutes. The pie will still be jiggly, but it will set as it cools.
Cool on a rack for about 1 and 1/2 hours, then refrigerate until completely cooled and set.
Enjoy! 4WW points per slice if 10 slices

I played with this recipe for weeks before I got it the right consistency. I am a Southern Girl and love pecan pie. I decided that I couldn't have the real thing, but I sure could change it up so it wasn't as bad for me and then have it. This turns out almost as good as "the way mama used to do it". Give it a try and let me know what you think.

GAG: The "oh crap,it is a cook-out" game plan.

There are lots of occasions to get together with family and friends and eat bad. Cooking out is one of those times that unless you go into it with a plan, you are going to come out of it a few pounds heavier. Thanks to GAG, I had a game plan this year! I decided that I could go light on breakfast and dinner today so that I could indulge during the lunch cook-out. I have seen skinny people eat. My SIL is a prime example. If she wants a candy bar, she eats it and then eats less at one of her meals that day. No, I am not advocating eating candy bars instead of real food, but I am saying that I finally understand how it all works. If I want to indulge at times then I am going to have to cut back at other times. Ok, on with the plan.

1) Eat light for breakfast.

2) Have the cook-out at my house, so I am responsible for most of the food and know exactly how it is cooked. Cook a variety of meat so everyone is happy. I cooked steak, chicken, and hot dogs. I had 2 oz of steak and 4 oz of chicken. I didn't over do it with the steak but I didn't feel deprived while everyone else was eating it either.

3) Make lots of veggies. I made corn on the cob, salad, and green beans. I loaded up on those things so that I got full faster and didn't eat crap.

4) Serve fruit for dessert. I had watermelon. Sweet and delicious.

5) Eat a light dinner to make up for all the food I had at lunch time. Tonight I had a Fat Free wiener and Lite Wheat hot dog bun with green beans that were left over from lunch and 10 Sun chips.

All in all my game plan worked out really well. I am hoping that the scale will reward me for my efforts in the morning. This week has been amazing thanks to GAG!

See what being gone all day does for you?!?

It seems that teams were assigned for GAG today while I was out and about. I am gonna have to email Sheila and let her know that she has to hold the presses until I am home and on the computer. :) j/k Really though, I hope that her little one is recovering from the flu. It is awful when your babies are sick. Ok, I will stop yapping and go check out the teams now. BRB.

Drum roll, please...
TEAM COMET
Jones
Lanel
Manda
Jon
Laurie
Melisa
Kim

Well, there it is! The reason I couldn't sleep last night. heehee. I am stoked that my hubby is on my team. I am also excited to get to know the other members of Team Comet. I am so loving all the support that has already been going around. I was worried about joining a challenge on a blog, but I am so glad that I did. Funny how something so simple can completely turn things around for you. I had a fantastic food day. I ate right on track. I was tempted by pizza at my parents house and I politely said no thanks. I felt so powerful in that moment. I felt the power to control what I put in my mouth and the power to control my size. I haven't felt that power in several months. It felt good. That feeling is how I lost so much weight to begin with. It was then that I started thinking about how great I have done. Not to sweep the last couple of months while I have been struggling under the rug, but I really have done so much better then I ever would have believed that I could.

Two years ago TODAY is when my husband and I started losing weight. I weighed 304.5 lbs. This morning I was 186.5 lbs. That is a 118 lb loss. Wow, it doesn't even seem real still. My dh was 307.5 lbs and is now 235 lbs. He rocks! Crazy.

Ok, a big shout out to all the COMETS! We can ALL do this! I am hitting the sack but will talk to you all tomorrow. Can't wait!

But I'm too excited to sleep!

I just got home from A&P II. We did hematocrits tonight. I loved it. I am so tired and need to head to bed, but I wanted to stop by the GAG challenge and see what was going on. Just reading up on the challengers made me think about how excited I am to see the teams. I can't wait. I am going to bed, but I already know that I am too excited to sleep. Today was a better day food wise then yesterday. Tomorrow will be even better!

The best of intentions on Day 1

Day 1 is in the books. Can't go back now, only forward. Yesterday I did ok with my eating. I say ok and not great because lunch kinda got me. I was away from home in an area that I am not real familiar with. I was starving so I decided to find something for lunch. After passing 15 fast food restaurants I found a small locally owned cafe. I thought that it would be great. I could get some veggies and get out of lunch without going way over board. Have you ever been to a small cafe like this? When I went in I was surprised to find that they only have a lunch special. It is different every day apparently. Yesterday, the lunch being served was pork loin w/2 sides. I didn't think that would be to bad. Except the sides were cheese potatoes, candied yams, or mashed potatoes. Yeah, lots of healthy vegetable choices. :P I ended up getting cheese potatoes and candied yams. It was really yummy but not so great for me. Now I know not to stop there again. Wish I could have found a Subway. Sometimes the best of intentions turn out bad. Now to look forward. I WILL have a great day today. I WILL exercise today. I WILL reach my goals this year! I am so excited over the GAG challenge. Thank you Sheila! You have no idea how motivated this challenge has made me!

GAG-Sept 1st-Beginning Pics

It is not pretty. I have been all over the place with the scale lately. Last week I was 181.6, this week I am 187.6. How in the world do you gain 6 lbs in one week? I think it had something to do with the overload of carbs and meatloaf this week. But, today is a new start! GAG here I come.

I still don't fit in...even after losing over 125 lbs.

Blame it on Tyra Banks. On her show today she had highschool students that don't fit in. Most of the girls were overweight and said that people treated them different because of thier weight. There were a few popular girls from the highschool there as well. One of the popular girls agreed to be made over into a fat chick with a fat suit. They called it a "social experiment". The girl that put on the fat suit was getting all kinds of snide remarks from the people at school. I get that all of life isn't like highschool. But, I also believe that school shapes a person into who they will be for life. My whole life has been a social experiment. I am still completely socially inept. All through school, I was the fat kid. I learned early in life that kids can be mean. Mean as hell. I learned to do anything that I could to keep people from noticing me. If I was noticed, it was just so the other kids could make fun of me and call me names because of my weight. I am still overweight, but no longer morbidly obese. However, I still have the morbidly obese mindset. I still walk with my eyes on the ground. Another learned behavior from my school days, I am sure. If I walk with my eyes looking at the ground, I don't have to meet the gaze of people that are smirking and making fun of me. I still have a hard time talking to people. I went so long being the fat girl in the corner that no one would talk to, that it is difficult for me to have a conversation with anyone. It makes me very uncomfortable to be around people that I don't know very well. I am 30 years old and I still don't fit in. I feel socially retarded. I am so socially slow that it is painful. Thinking about stuff like this makes me feel like I will never be normal and fit in no matter how much weight I lose...

Joining a challenge- GAG

So, I just got brave and joined a challenge. It is a 16 week challenge and starts on Sept 1. I am hoping that the challenge will help keep me accountable. So far this year has been a free for all with eating. I have to weigh in every Tues and post my weight to the challenge. I am hanging out right round 180 lbs, I think. I will update here on Tues when I post for the challenge. Yay me. :)

Ridiculously Easy Roasted Yellow Squash and Onions | Recipe from FatFree Vegan Kitchen

This is what is for dinner in my house. Give it a try. It looks fantastic.
Ridiculously Easy Roasted Yellow Squash and Onions Recipe from FatFree Vegan Kitchen

What's for dinner? Umm, squash!

Trying to figure out what to make for dinner tonight. I have been making really bad choices with cooking lately. I slipped back into the bad habit of cooking what was easiest, cheapest, or most comforting. Now that I am trying to get back on track and eat healthy I am unsure what to eat. I have never really kept a food journal (I know, I know-I should always do that) so I can't just look back and see what we were eating that was working. I do still have a few recipes that I know we like and are healthy, but in general I feel like I am starting all over. This time I am going to try to keep a food journal. It is just hard for me to remember to write it all down. No more excuses though, right? So back to dinner for tonight. I have some squash that needs to be cooked. I found this recipe http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/2009/08/ridiculously-easy-roasted-yellow-squash.html . (I can't figure out how to make the link little and cute like other people do...) Looks good, huh? Now I just have to figure out what to cook with the squash. That seems to be my downfall. I can never come up with tasty and healthy sides. They are either healthy or tasty, but never both at the same time. Really, I guess the squash is more of a side with my family. Just not sure what to make with it.

Happy Birthday, Jon!

Today is my man's birthday. He is 32 today. We are in the process of growing old together. When we first got together he was 16. We have been together for half of his life. Crazy.
So much has changed in the last 16 years. Jon has a few more gray hairs in his head now. We have a ton of responsibility that we didn't have back then. I still smile every time I see him, though. I wonder if he thinks life has changed for the better. I do. :)

On the weight loss front not much has changed since the last update. I have 4 or 5 really good on track days and then I fall off of the wagon and eat everything in sight for 4 or 5 days. Tuesday was weigh in day and I was at 182 lbs. It makes me sad that I have fallen back into some of my old habits. I am up 19 lbs from my lowest weight. I am trying to figure it all out. I know it is mental and I am stress eating big time. I have been stressed about my dad and it is going to be a while before his situation improves. I can't continue to stress eat or I will be 304.5 lbs again. I don't want to go back to that. I wasn't even really living at that point. I want to live.

I seem to have a time management problem lately. Of course now that I have found a few minutes to update, the dog is barking needing to be walked. I will try again later, I guess. Be good to yourself and it will all fall into place. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!!! I LOVE YOU!

WTH? Almost 3 months again

I wont even say that I am going to post more often. It seems that every time I say that I go longer between posts than any time before. Life is crazy lately. I am sure that the summer makes like more crazy for most people. The kids are out of school for the summer so we have had less structure than usual. My parents have been having some problems that I have been trying to help them out with so that has consumed a lot of my time. I am in my second semester of college. I didn't think it was going to be as hard as it is or take as much studying as it does. Then there is the weight loss/weight gain issue that I am dealing with. I keep going up instead of down. It is a big pain in the a**. It is my own doing. I have been eating like a cow. Can't blame anyone but myself. I am hanging out between 175 and 180 lbs. I could say that tomorrow is the day that I get back on track, but it is probably a lie. As long as I am working around my parents house I am going to be eating bad. They don't eat healthy which could explain some of my weight problems. I have been eating 1 or 2 meals a day over there and it isn't good for me. Not sure how to get them to eat better. They are very set in thier ways. Ok, I have to get to bed. I am going to make a quick list of things that I want to blog about. Maybe I will have time soon to talk about it all.

Peachtree Road Race.
School for me.
School for the kiddos.
My dad's injury.
My marriage.
My eating and exercise.
My parents eating.
Our vacation to the beach.
How I feel after gaining 15-20 lbs.
Weighing in and competition.

I am sure that there have been more things on my mind lately, but that is all that I can come up with right now without spending a ton of time on thinking about it. Good night.

Where am I?

Darn, it has been so long that I wasn't even sure how to log in here and post. I haven't been doing well diet wise. Stress I guess. What a great excuse. I now weigh 169.5 lbs which is about 6 pounds more than I weighed the last time I updated. I am having surgery on my left leg on May 13th and my right leg on May 27th. I am still planning on running the PRR. I guess we will see. Hope to post a longer update soon. I have finals next week so I gotta study. I am still alive.

A new day, a new view

Today things look a lot different than they did yesterday. I was so down after my dr appointment yesterday. I felt hopeless and angry. I self medicated with food. A lot of food. It made me feel better for about 5 mins. Then I felt sick and my stomach hurt bad. I also felt guilty and stupid for what I had done to my body, yet again. I know that one binge will not ruin everything I have accomplished but, it will slow down my progress. It also shows me that I still have a lot to learn. I should have figured out something else to turn to in times of stress by now. I know that it is all a mind game at this point. I am taking back control right now! This second. I had my oatmeal and peanut butter for breakfast. I am about to have a cup of coffee. I will have a healthy lunch and dinner. Today will be my first day back on track. I can do this.

Whatever is going on with Jon will work itself out. We have made it this far. We will make it. Last night I was full of doubts. None of those really had to do with Jon. I was focusing on me and my failures. No more! Jon is a good man. But, he is a man. We don't always think the same way. Just because I would have went with him and/or called him doesn't mean that he felt it needed to be done. I will never understand him but, I do love him. All I need to make it work is a little bit of hope. I have hope that everything in my life will work out so, it will.

Just need to gripe for a minute---Not weight related

Warning: The following post is full of negative feelings that I need to dump somewhere. The thoughts in this post are not necessarily rational nor will they make sense 100% of the time.

Ugh. Why can't I just be freaking healthy?!??! I mean, come on! I have changed EVERYTHING about my life and KEEP having to deal with dumb sh*t when it comes to my health. My whole life I was OBESE and did nothing but sit on the couch and eat chips and bonbons. Other than my weight number I was completely healthy. No diabetes, no blood pressure problems, no cholesterol issues, nothing! Since losing weight I have had one health issue after another and I am so tired of it. I have had heart palpitations, carotid artery issues, had pneumonia, and been diagnosed with exercise induced asthma. It makes me want to grab a bag of chips and park my hiney on the sofa. Now I am facing another health crisis. I just want it to stop. I just want to be healthy. Last week my leg started hurting right behind my knee. It was swollen and red. I figured it was fine, no biggie. Tuesday Jon made me go to the doctor because it was getting worse. They diagnosed me with Phlebitis. Fine. It is fine. They sent me to a vascular surgeon today. According to them I have a blood clot in my leg. Isn't that something that happens to 75 year olds? WTH?! Either way, I have to go back to the Vascular Surgeon on the 25th to have a rescan to check on the blood clot and to talk to them about having surgery to remove the veins that are causing the problem (varicose veins that I have had since I was 18). For real? I signed up for the Peachtree Road Race 10K on Sunday and now this. They don't want me running at all until after this is sorted out. That lends itself to training for the PRR. UGH!

If all of this wasn't enough to drive me crazy, things aren't going very well with Jon right now. We got into a big argument Tues night and it is just weird between us now. It isn't even that we are mad at each other. It is more an indifference. Not good. He didn't offer to go to my doctors appointment with me today, like he normally does. In fact, he hasn't even called to see what the Vascular Surgeon said. What is weirder than that is that I am ok about it all. Scary in a not so scary sort of way...

So, told you it wouldn't be vary rational.

Really? Seriously? And whose fault would that be?!

Yep, that would be my fault. That is what happens when you eat whatever you want to and not exercise at all. You might be wondering what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that I have only lost 5 lbs in 9 weeks. I am disgusted with myself. I am so pissed at myself right now that I can't even explain it. What am I thinking? What happened 9 weeks ago that made me feel like I could eat whatever I wanted? I have heard so many people talk about how hard it is to lose the last 10 or 20 lbs. I always thought it was hard because they didn't have as much to lose. It is so hard for me right now because I am eating like crap all the time. Today I haven't even tried to figure out how many calories I have had. I am sure it is close to 3000. It makes me sick to think about. I had a long and stressful day and used that as an excuse to eat like crap. Yes, I did ask my husband for a divorce today but that doesn't give me an excuse to eat like I might not ever get to eat again. And that doesn't explain why I have eaten like crap for the last 9 weeks. I think it all starting going down hill when I hit a size 10 in pants and an overweight instead of obese BMI. I have used school, being sick, and the stress of life as an excuse to eat bad. I think I got to comfortable with my size/bmi and started slacking big time. It isn't enough. I haven't reached my goals and I am not happy with my size. I can't do this to myself. Egads. How in the heck do I break through this? I will have a good couple of days where I hold myself accountable and then I go off of the eating deep end again. Hold on, brb.

Ok, I couldn't stop thinking about it so I went and figured up how many calories I have had today. Here it is in black and white for the whole world to see:
Oatmeal w/ peanut butter and coffee 250 calories
Chic-fil-a Grilled chicken sandwich & fries: 700 calories
Dairy Queen Chicken Wrap: 300 calories
Dairy Queen Child Fries: 150 calories
Dairy Queen 1/2 Hot Dog: 150 calories
Stir Fried Veggies: 100 calories
Chicken Fried Rice: 150 calories

So: I ended my day around 1800 calories. Not as bad as I thought but way worse than it should have been. I have got to get a grip or I am going to weigh 305 lbs again. I am not gaining but I am not losing either and I am not happy about that. I want to stay between 1200-1500 calories a day. I think I need to see a shrink. I am having such a hard time with this. It has become a mind game that I play with myself. Why didn't I have this problem the first 15 or 16 months of this journey? BLAH!

Where do I go wrong at the grocery store???

Lately I have been reading a lot (and I do mean a lot) of blogs where people are only spending $40-$50 a week on groceries for a family of four. I spend at least $100-$125 a week on groceries to feed my family of four. Where do I go wrong? I don't clip coupons. I don't know how. Is there some secret to it? Do I need to take a class on how to clip coupons and save money on my groceries?! I don't mind spending the time to organize and do it but I don't even know where to get started. I have seen the websites that you have to pay and they will help you in the coupon arena. I guess they tell you what is on sale where and what not? I don't want to/need to spend money on that. I just need to learn how to do it on my own. We have got to get on a budget and now. Ugh. One more thing that I need to learn and do...

My body hates me. :)

Ok, so not really. My body is pretty good to me most of the time. But, this week it wasn't nice to me. I ate really healthy all by 2 meals this week. One meal was a planned off meal. Neither were overly bad. I felt like I would lose weight this week. I was hoping to lose a lot of weight since it was my first week back on track in a month. Did I lose a lot of weight? Did I lose any weight? NO. I gained 1/2 lb. Doesn't seem right does it? :) The only think I can figure is PMS caused the issue. Just means that next week I will have a bigger loss. Right? Right? Right!

Today I have been on track. So far I have had my oatmeal and coffee- 200 calories and 2 cups of fresh veggies (carrots, cucumbers, cauliflower, broccoli, and mushrooms- 50 calories with 2 TBSP ranch veggie dip- 60 calories, and 1 marshmallow- 25 calories. So far I am up to 335 calories. I will have lunch around 3:30pm. Not sure what I am going to have. Probably a leftover Boca burger from dinner last night. Yum. Ok, will update later.

3/05/09

Today will be my second day back on track. I did pretty well yesterday and stuck to my plan. It feels good to be back on plan and have control over my eating again. Yay!

6am: Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal w/ 1 t peanut butter & 1/2 C coffee- 200 calories

I plan to have a banana around 10am. I will have a salad with a few ounces of chicken off the EGG (the BEST grill/smoker in the world) for lunch. I am not sure what dinner will be yet. I have school tonight so unless I find something to throw in the crockpot dinner will be up to Jon. Gotta think about it. Today WILL be a great, OP day!

Trying to write it all down

6:00 am: Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal w/ 1 teaspoon of peanut better & 1/2 cup coffee: 200 calories
10:45 am: 2 slices of homemade pizza & salad w/ free Catalina dressing: 400 calories

I will probably have a banana for a snack in a few hours. I will have about 600 calories left for dinner. We are having Red Beans and Rice tonight. For the rice, beans, and mock smoked sausage. I think it comes out to about 450 calories per serving (1C cooked rice, 2oz sausage, and 3/4C beans). That is a lot! It is a lot of food too. Maybe I wont eat that much? Should have looked it up before I put the stuff in the crock pot. :) I will have salad w/ free Catalina also. That will add about 50 calories to the total. Maybe we will have some kind of steamed veggie to bulk up the meal so I will eat less rice and beans. I can pull today out as long as I don't mindlessly snack or add an extra meal to my day. Keep your fingers crossed.

I don't want to talk about it! Or maybe I do...

I am sure that you can tell that I don' want to talk about it since it has been over a month since I posted. It isn't good but it really isn't that bad either. <----That is the excuse I have been using ALL year long. That is why I now weight 162 lbs. That means in the first 9 weeks of this year I have only lost 5.5 lbs. 9 weeks-5.5lbs...not very good. It sucks that I have spent the last month losing and gaining the same 3 lbs. I have all kinds of excuses-I had pnemonia the whole month of Feb, my daughter has been sick off and on for 3 weeks, school is kicking my butt-but that is all they are: EXCUSES! The truth is harder to type out here. The truth is I have been slacking big time. I haven't been exercising at all. I could fit it into my day if I would manage my time better. I have been eating pretty much whatever I want to. I am blessed and thankful that I haven't gained a million lbs. I should have by now. I am mad at myself for my behavior over the last 2 months. When I got sick I started to use food as comfort. That is a habit I broke a long time ago. WTF? Why did I start that again? I haven't been drinking enough water. I have still been drinking around 75 oz a day, but I was drinking 2 gallons (256 ozs) a day. Lately, I have been drinking Coke Zero. That is stupid. I hadn't drank a soda in over a year until I got sick. Comfort. Has nothing changed??? I thought I had found things outside of food/drinks to comfort me. Gotta get my mind around this and NOW. Ugh. Wanna know how bad I have been lately? Yeah, me too. So, I am going to type out what I ate yesterday and try to add calorie content to it. Maybe seeing it in number will make a difference. Maybe it will make me change the direction that I am going in. Today is a new day and I CAN do this. Here we go:

5am: Apple Cinnamin oatmeal w/ 1 teaspoon peanut butter & coffee: 250 calories
9am: Chicken Biscuit w/ hashbrown & unsweet tea: 850 calories (Ouch)
4pm: Arby's Bacon Blu RoastBurger w/ fries and Pepsi: 1150 calories (my whole days worth) :(
8pm: 3 Slices Homemade Chicken pizza & salad w/ light ranch dressing & water: 600 calories
Total for the day: 2850 calories

That makes me feel sick. I knew I ate really bad, I didn't know it was that bad. Yuck. How do I fix this? It isn't so far gone that it can't be fixed. I haven't gained any weight, I am just not losing either. What did it take in the beginning to get on the wagon? Where did the determination come from? How do I get it back? Yes, I did eat 4 times yesterday. I don't usually do that. The last few weeks I have been and it has to stop now! No more excuses. I have wasted 2 months out of this year. That means I only have 10 months to lose 30 lbs. That is attainable but not if I keep eating like a cow. Weight loss got so easy and I think I got to relaxed about it all. Then the bottom fell out. To reach my year end goals I have to lose 3 lbs a month. I can do that. The NEW me starts today!

That was a lot of talking for someone who doesn't want to talk about it. :) I feel like if I talk about it and face it instead of avoiding it, things will turn around. No more hiding or avoiding. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Weigh in 1/25-1/31 *They say its your birthday*

Weight last week: 163.5
Weight this week: 163

Lost this week: -.5 lbs

Total lost so far: 141.5 lbs

Left to lose: 14 lbs (to orig goal) 28.5 lbs (to new goal)

Did really good this week until Sat. I ate everything that I could on Sat. I have got to figure out a better way to handle stress.

Today is my birthday. I am the big 3-0. Old as dirt. 73 lbs smaller than the day that I turned 29. Yeehaw.

I am NOT OBESE anymore!!!

I think it just sunk in this morning that I am not obese anymore. I am so happy about all that I have accomplished! Proud doesn't even come close to describing it. It is all a bit like a dream to me. I never thought that I could pull this off, yet here I am down 141 lbs and within 29 lbs of my goal. I know that weight loss isn't the magic cure all, but it has given me so much hope that I know I can make all of my dreams come true. Watch out world, here I come!!!

Weigh-in 1/20/09

Weight last week: 164
Weight this week: 163.5

Lost this week: -.5 lbs

Total lost so far: 141 lbs

Left to lose: 14.5 lbs (to orig goal) 29 lbs (to new goal)

Bad week eating wise. We had Mikey and Ella's birthday party. I ate a ton of pizza and cake. I am writing down all of my food as of today. I will get back on track and kick my own a**. On a good note---I am NO longer Obese! As of this weigh in I am just Overweight. I am so excited about that. I know that I can reach all my goals. I will be at my goal weight by the end of this year!

Weight Tracker

Just a little tracker that I ran across online.

Great week finally!

Weight last week: 169.5
Weight this week: 165.5

Lost this week: -4 lbs

Total lost so far: 139 lbs

Left to lose: 16.5 lbs (to orig goal) 31 lbs (to new goal)

Great on track week. I exercised like I should and ate really well. I have decided to change my goal weight. Since I started losing weight my goal has been 149 lbs. I have decided to try to get to 134.5 lbs. That will put me at a healthy weight according to my BMI. It will also bring my weight lost to an even 170 lbs. I think I can reach that goal this year. Wish me luck.

Resolutions

To make resolutions or not? That is the question. Some people say it sets them up for failure. I don't see it that way for myself. I am a resolution kind of girl. I like to make resolutions and then break them down into the steps I have to take to get where I want to be. It gives me something to strive for. It gives me a planned way to get there. Kinda like a road map I guess. Anyway, whether you make resolutions or just set goals if you are trying to get healthy we are all on the same journey. I have faith that each of us can reach our goals this year. What are your resolutions/goals? Here are a few of mine:

1. Exercise every day of 2009 for at least 15 mins the 1st three months, 30 mins the next three months, 45 mins the next three months, and 1 hour the last 3 months of the year.

2. Find a church to become active in.

3. Get my family on a budget.

4. Make at least a B+ in every class that I take this year.

5. Hit my goal weight!

6. Get my garage organized.

7. Get all of my scrapbooks caught up to the present. (They are stuck in 2004)

Good luck! We can do this.

One year later in picture

Beginning of 2008 (245.5):-Beginning of 2009 (167.5):

On my way to 134.5 lbs this year.

I decided to change my goal weight to 134.5 lbs. My original goal of 149 lbs was still in an overweight BMI for me. I want to have a healthy BMI. I picked 134.5 lbs because it is right in the middle of my healthy BMI span and also because I like the 345. Yeah, I am a simple girl that is amused by simple things. I have to lose 33 lbs to get there. I know I can do that by the end of 2009. I am going to set some sort of goals for myself here. If I meet the goals that is GREAT. If I don't meet the goals then I will keep plugging along until I get there. I have lost 137 lbs so far. I know that I can lose 33 more.

2009 Weight Goals
165 by Jan 28th (my 30th birthday)
163 by Feb 14th (Valentines)
161 by Mar 9th (Day I survived)
156 by Apr 21st (Our 9th anniversary)
153 by May 19th (Just a day in May)
150 by Jun 8th (My dad's 49th birthday)
145 by Jul 18th (My mom's 51st birthday)
142 by Aug 5th (Jon's 32nd birthday)
140 by Sept 4th (My favorite SIL's 29th birthday)
138 by Oct 31st (Halloween)
136 by Nov 18th (16th year Jon and I have been together)
134 by Dec 25th (Christmas)

This will happen this year. I will reach my goal weight. I am worth it.

Merry New Year and Happy late Christmas

Our Christmas was really a joy this year. We were back in our house and the kids got way to much stuff. :) Yeah, they are spoiled rotten. Today is the first day of 2009 and all I want to do is sleep. I feel like I am gonna hurl. I ate to much for lunch. I have drank to much coffee and I am nervous as heck about school starting on Jan 10th. Two months ago when I registered for school it seemed so far away and not real. Now that I have barely over a week before school starts, I am worried. I know that I am smart enough to do it, I am just worried about having the time to do it all.

I want a laptop for school. I think it would be very handy to have one. I think I have settled on an Acer Aspire One N270. I have to wait for my student aid check to come in before I can afford to buy one. I had to pay for my classes and books out of pocket because my student aid hasn't come in yet. That makes me poor broke for a while.

I weighed this morning and the scale showed me 167.2 lbs. I am starting 2009 in the 160's! I lost 78.3 lbs in 2008! I have eaten so bad today though. I hope today isn't setting the pace for the rest of the year...

I am worried about stress eating when school starts. I am going to have to figure out how to handle the extra stress without gaining weight in the process. I am also going to have to get on a schedule. It is going to be very hard for me to homeschool Mikey and go to school full time myself. I know that if it can be done, I can do it. Just have to do it.

A very merry unbirthday to you, to you. And to me in 2009 as well! (In case you think I lost my mind with the sentence before last it was a little bit of a song from "Alice in Wonderland". Not to say that I haven't lost my mind...carry on.