Happy Birthday, Jon!

Today is my man's birthday. He is 32 today. We are in the process of growing old together. When we first got together he was 16. We have been together for half of his life. Crazy.
So much has changed in the last 16 years. Jon has a few more gray hairs in his head now. We have a ton of responsibility that we didn't have back then. I still smile every time I see him, though. I wonder if he thinks life has changed for the better. I do. :)

On the weight loss front not much has changed since the last update. I have 4 or 5 really good on track days and then I fall off of the wagon and eat everything in sight for 4 or 5 days. Tuesday was weigh in day and I was at 182 lbs. It makes me sad that I have fallen back into some of my old habits. I am up 19 lbs from my lowest weight. I am trying to figure it all out. I know it is mental and I am stress eating big time. I have been stressed about my dad and it is going to be a while before his situation improves. I can't continue to stress eat or I will be 304.5 lbs again. I don't want to go back to that. I wasn't even really living at that point. I want to live.

I seem to have a time management problem lately. Of course now that I have found a few minutes to update, the dog is barking needing to be walked. I will try again later, I guess. Be good to yourself and it will all fall into place. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!!! I LOVE YOU!

WTH? Almost 3 months again

I wont even say that I am going to post more often. It seems that every time I say that I go longer between posts than any time before. Life is crazy lately. I am sure that the summer makes like more crazy for most people. The kids are out of school for the summer so we have had less structure than usual. My parents have been having some problems that I have been trying to help them out with so that has consumed a lot of my time. I am in my second semester of college. I didn't think it was going to be as hard as it is or take as much studying as it does. Then there is the weight loss/weight gain issue that I am dealing with. I keep going up instead of down. It is a big pain in the a**. It is my own doing. I have been eating like a cow. Can't blame anyone but myself. I am hanging out between 175 and 180 lbs. I could say that tomorrow is the day that I get back on track, but it is probably a lie. As long as I am working around my parents house I am going to be eating bad. They don't eat healthy which could explain some of my weight problems. I have been eating 1 or 2 meals a day over there and it isn't good for me. Not sure how to get them to eat better. They are very set in thier ways. Ok, I have to get to bed. I am going to make a quick list of things that I want to blog about. Maybe I will have time soon to talk about it all.

Peachtree Road Race.
School for me.
School for the kiddos.
My dad's injury.
My marriage.
My eating and exercise.
My parents eating.
Our vacation to the beach.
How I feel after gaining 15-20 lbs.
Weighing in and competition.

I am sure that there have been more things on my mind lately, but that is all that I can come up with right now without spending a ton of time on thinking about it. Good night.

Where am I?

Darn, it has been so long that I wasn't even sure how to log in here and post. I haven't been doing well diet wise. Stress I guess. What a great excuse. I now weigh 169.5 lbs which is about 6 pounds more than I weighed the last time I updated. I am having surgery on my left leg on May 13th and my right leg on May 27th. I am still planning on running the PRR. I guess we will see. Hope to post a longer update soon. I have finals next week so I gotta study. I am still alive.

A new day, a new view

Today things look a lot different than they did yesterday. I was so down after my dr appointment yesterday. I felt hopeless and angry. I self medicated with food. A lot of food. It made me feel better for about 5 mins. Then I felt sick and my stomach hurt bad. I also felt guilty and stupid for what I had done to my body, yet again. I know that one binge will not ruin everything I have accomplished but, it will slow down my progress. It also shows me that I still have a lot to learn. I should have figured out something else to turn to in times of stress by now. I know that it is all a mind game at this point. I am taking back control right now! This second. I had my oatmeal and peanut butter for breakfast. I am about to have a cup of coffee. I will have a healthy lunch and dinner. Today will be my first day back on track. I can do this.

Whatever is going on with Jon will work itself out. We have made it this far. We will make it. Last night I was full of doubts. None of those really had to do with Jon. I was focusing on me and my failures. No more! Jon is a good man. But, he is a man. We don't always think the same way. Just because I would have went with him and/or called him doesn't mean that he felt it needed to be done. I will never understand him but, I do love him. All I need to make it work is a little bit of hope. I have hope that everything in my life will work out so, it will.

Just need to gripe for a minute---Not weight related

Warning: The following post is full of negative feelings that I need to dump somewhere. The thoughts in this post are not necessarily rational nor will they make sense 100% of the time.

Ugh. Why can't I just be freaking healthy?!??! I mean, come on! I have changed EVERYTHING about my life and KEEP having to deal with dumb sh*t when it comes to my health. My whole life I was OBESE and did nothing but sit on the couch and eat chips and bonbons. Other than my weight number I was completely healthy. No diabetes, no blood pressure problems, no cholesterol issues, nothing! Since losing weight I have had one health issue after another and I am so tired of it. I have had heart palpitations, carotid artery issues, had pneumonia, and been diagnosed with exercise induced asthma. It makes me want to grab a bag of chips and park my hiney on the sofa. Now I am facing another health crisis. I just want it to stop. I just want to be healthy. Last week my leg started hurting right behind my knee. It was swollen and red. I figured it was fine, no biggie. Tuesday Jon made me go to the doctor because it was getting worse. They diagnosed me with Phlebitis. Fine. It is fine. They sent me to a vascular surgeon today. According to them I have a blood clot in my leg. Isn't that something that happens to 75 year olds? WTH?! Either way, I have to go back to the Vascular Surgeon on the 25th to have a rescan to check on the blood clot and to talk to them about having surgery to remove the veins that are causing the problem (varicose veins that I have had since I was 18). For real? I signed up for the Peachtree Road Race 10K on Sunday and now this. They don't want me running at all until after this is sorted out. That lends itself to training for the PRR. UGH!

If all of this wasn't enough to drive me crazy, things aren't going very well with Jon right now. We got into a big argument Tues night and it is just weird between us now. It isn't even that we are mad at each other. It is more an indifference. Not good. He didn't offer to go to my doctors appointment with me today, like he normally does. In fact, he hasn't even called to see what the Vascular Surgeon said. What is weirder than that is that I am ok about it all. Scary in a not so scary sort of way...

So, told you it wouldn't be vary rational.

Really? Seriously? And whose fault would that be?!

Yep, that would be my fault. That is what happens when you eat whatever you want to and not exercise at all. You might be wondering what I am talking about. I am talking about the fact that I have only lost 5 lbs in 9 weeks. I am disgusted with myself. I am so pissed at myself right now that I can't even explain it. What am I thinking? What happened 9 weeks ago that made me feel like I could eat whatever I wanted? I have heard so many people talk about how hard it is to lose the last 10 or 20 lbs. I always thought it was hard because they didn't have as much to lose. It is so hard for me right now because I am eating like crap all the time. Today I haven't even tried to figure out how many calories I have had. I am sure it is close to 3000. It makes me sick to think about. I had a long and stressful day and used that as an excuse to eat like crap. Yes, I did ask my husband for a divorce today but that doesn't give me an excuse to eat like I might not ever get to eat again. And that doesn't explain why I have eaten like crap for the last 9 weeks. I think it all starting going down hill when I hit a size 10 in pants and an overweight instead of obese BMI. I have used school, being sick, and the stress of life as an excuse to eat bad. I think I got to comfortable with my size/bmi and started slacking big time. It isn't enough. I haven't reached my goals and I am not happy with my size. I can't do this to myself. Egads. How in the heck do I break through this? I will have a good couple of days where I hold myself accountable and then I go off of the eating deep end again. Hold on, brb.

Ok, I couldn't stop thinking about it so I went and figured up how many calories I have had today. Here it is in black and white for the whole world to see:
Oatmeal w/ peanut butter and coffee 250 calories
Chic-fil-a Grilled chicken sandwich & fries: 700 calories
Dairy Queen Chicken Wrap: 300 calories
Dairy Queen Child Fries: 150 calories
Dairy Queen 1/2 Hot Dog: 150 calories
Stir Fried Veggies: 100 calories
Chicken Fried Rice: 150 calories

So: I ended my day around 1800 calories. Not as bad as I thought but way worse than it should have been. I have got to get a grip or I am going to weigh 305 lbs again. I am not gaining but I am not losing either and I am not happy about that. I want to stay between 1200-1500 calories a day. I think I need to see a shrink. I am having such a hard time with this. It has become a mind game that I play with myself. Why didn't I have this problem the first 15 or 16 months of this journey? BLAH!

Where do I go wrong at the grocery store???

Lately I have been reading a lot (and I do mean a lot) of blogs where people are only spending $40-$50 a week on groceries for a family of four. I spend at least $100-$125 a week on groceries to feed my family of four. Where do I go wrong? I don't clip coupons. I don't know how. Is there some secret to it? Do I need to take a class on how to clip coupons and save money on my groceries?! I don't mind spending the time to organize and do it but I don't even know where to get started. I have seen the websites that you have to pay and they will help you in the coupon arena. I guess they tell you what is on sale where and what not? I don't want to/need to spend money on that. I just need to learn how to do it on my own. We have got to get on a budget and now. Ugh. One more thing that I need to learn and do...

My body hates me. :)

Ok, so not really. My body is pretty good to me most of the time. But, this week it wasn't nice to me. I ate really healthy all by 2 meals this week. One meal was a planned off meal. Neither were overly bad. I felt like I would lose weight this week. I was hoping to lose a lot of weight since it was my first week back on track in a month. Did I lose a lot of weight? Did I lose any weight? NO. I gained 1/2 lb. Doesn't seem right does it? :) The only think I can figure is PMS caused the issue. Just means that next week I will have a bigger loss. Right? Right? Right!

Today I have been on track. So far I have had my oatmeal and coffee- 200 calories and 2 cups of fresh veggies (carrots, cucumbers, cauliflower, broccoli, and mushrooms- 50 calories with 2 TBSP ranch veggie dip- 60 calories, and 1 marshmallow- 25 calories. So far I am up to 335 calories. I will have lunch around 3:30pm. Not sure what I am going to have. Probably a leftover Boca burger from dinner last night. Yum. Ok, will update later.