Major identity crisis

I know this is probably the stupidest thing to complain about but it is a serious issue for me right now. I am having an identity crisis. I have no idea who I am anymore. I have focused on losing weight so completely that I haven't been very focused on anything else. Everything about me is changing. Of course my body has shrunk considerably but I am changing on the inside as well. I used to believe that shopping for clothes would be easier and more fun when I had lost weight. It is so much harder to clothes shop right now than it has ever been in my life. I go shopping and naturally migrate to the Plus size section. Nothing in that section fits me anymore. I look at the clothes in the normal size section and I feel like a fraud. I feel like I have no business in that section and fully expect one of the employees to come and tell me that I can't shop in that section, that I must shop in the Plus section. I sometimes worry that I used to be nicer than I am now. I am not a jerk but I used to not speak up for myself. I used to feel like a floor mat for other people. Now I don't take it because I deserve better but, I worry that it makes me come off as a jerk. I am so confused. I have no idea who I am, body or mind, anymore.

Just an update because I can check off another of my weight loss goals!!!

I saw this on a message board (3FC) and thought it was a neat idea. Here are my magic numbers.

304.5-Highest weight ever (9/03/07)
299.0-Out of the 300's (9/10/07)
279.5-Down 25 lbs (10/20/07)
274.0-1st 10% goal (10/27/07)
254.5-Down 50 lbs (12/11/07)
246.5-2nd 10% goal (12/28/07)
245.5-Current weight (01/01/08)
229.5-Down 75 lbs (02/15/08)
226.5-Half way to goal (2/28/08)
222.0-3rd 10% goal (3/14/08)
218.0-No longer Morbidly Obese just Severely Obese (3/23/08)
204.5-Down 100 lbs (5/19/08)
200.0-4th 10% goal (6/10/08)
199.0-ONEderland (6/17/08)
191.0-No longer Severely Obese just Obese (7/22/08)!!!!!!!!


Still working on:
180.0-5th 10% goal
179.5-Down 125 lbs
164.0-No longer Obese just overweight
162.0-6th 10% goal
149.0-Goal weight (May change later)

I figured out my biggest fear.

So I have put a lot of thought into why I have always been overweight. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I was so afraid would happen if I lost weight. The other day it finally hit me what my biggest fear has always been when it comes to losing weight. I am afraid of being weak. I have always been such a strong person. Strong physically and emotionally. I have been through some really rough times and had to be tough to make it. I have never wanted to be a thin (which to me meant weak) little girl. I still don't want to be weak but I have come to see that being thin and healthy does not mean that I will be weak. With strength training I will be stronger than I have ever been while being healthier at the same time. I have no idea why my brain thought that me being so grossly overweight was making me strong and keeping me safe. I guess maybe my weight was like extra padding against the harsh world. Thanks to Lyn (escapefromobesity.blogspot.com) I have figured out my 1# fear and I am facing it head on. Thank you again to Lyn. I will beat this and I will only be stronger.

46 weeks into this journey

Looking back it doesn't seem like it has been that long. Although sometimes it feels like it has been a lifetime. This week I was down another 2 lbs bringing my weight to 190.5 lbs. I can't believe that I am so close to the 180's. I have lost 114 lbs so far. Wow. I know I can do this. I control my weight. Food no longer controls my weight. I have 41.5 lbs left to lose to reach my goal weight. To bad my goal weight is subject to change. :) I played the Wii Fit 4 times last week for at least 30 mins each time. I walked several days for about a hour each time. I don't lose my breath as easy as I did before. I am proud and I feel good about me. For a long time I didn't feel good about myself. Isn't it silly how we let things like our weight control us and control how we feel about ourselves? No more food or weight controlling me. I have control.

100 Reasons to lose weight

This is my 100th post on this blog. I will come back and add reasons to this post until I reach 100 reasons that I want to lose weight. Here goes:

1. About a year ago my dad had to have a stint put in his heart. He is diabetic and overweight. It kills me to see him so sick and doing it to himself. I decided then and there that I wasn't going to put my kids through what I have been through with my dad.

2. I want to be healthy.

3. I want to be able to play with my kids.

4. I want to wear cute clothes.

5. I want to run races.

6. I want to climb mountains.

7. I want to be an adventurer and not let my size stop me.

8. I want to turn my husband on and not be so ashamed of my body that I hide it from him.

9. I want to be the me that I know I really am but that has been hidden under all my fat for to many years.

10. I don't want to pass on the legacy of obesity to my kids.

11. I want to look good in a bathing suit.

12. I want to live a long life.

13. I want to control my life and not let food control it.

14. I don't want my kids friends to make fun of me.

15. I want my kids to be proud that I am their mom.

16. I want to be the best that I can be.

17. I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

18. I want to be athletic.

19. I want to laugh and be happy.

20. I want to fit in booths at restaurants.

21. I want to fit in stalls in public restrooms.

22. I want the seat belt to fit around me in the car.

23. I want to fit in an airplane seat.

24. I want to be thinner and healthier than all the people that made fun of me in school.

25. I want to love me.

192.5 and scared

This is the first time I have been under 200 lbs since I was in highschool. That was 10 years ago. I just realized this morning that I should be out of the 190's and into the 180's within a month. I can't explain how good that makes me feel. It also makes me very scared. I am scared that I am going to relax to much and gain the weight back. I am scared that I wont be able to meet my weight loss goals. I am scared that I am going to hate my body if/when I do reach my goal weight. Gotta face my fears and keep going. I can't let fear stop me. I read a blog called "Escape from Obesity" by a lady named Lyn. She is my inspiration on days that I don't think I can keep going. She made me face my fears and prepare myself to handle them as they come along. Check out her blog http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/ She is amazing.

I now weigh 192.5 lbs. I have lost 112 lbs. 43.5 lbs to go. Let's see how long it takes me.

"That's not you in this picture, is it?"

Today I took my ds to register for Kung Su Do at the local parks a rec. I had to show the registration lady my license to prove that we live in the county. She looked at my license picture then at me. She checked the name and address against the registration paper. Then she looked at the license again and then looked at me. Finally she said "That's not you in this picture, is it?" I told her that yes it was. She said "You have lost a lot of weight". I told her that I had lost a little and she wanted to know how much. When I told her 110lbs she starting talking really loud and acting all excited and congratulating me. It was kind of embarrassing but also really cool that someone noticed just from my license. Kinda made my day.

Ehh...Water weight? Maybe...

This weeks weigh in left a bad taste in my mouth. I only lost 1/2 a lb. I know that is still a loss and I am thankful for it but come on! I ran the freaking Peachtree Road Race! I ate on plan 6 out of 7 days. I walked/ran 2 other days. Of course I did just have my TOM from June 29th til July 4th. Maybe I was retaining water from everything? Yeah, that is what I am blaming it on. It couldn't be the day that I ate way off of plan and ate 2 days worth of food in 1 day, could it? Nah, I didn't think so. Ah well, maybe this week will be better. One can only hope.

Jon gained a lb this week. I think that his was water weight too. He has been doing really great. It has gotten so hard for him to lose weight. He is only 8.5 lbs or so from his goal. I am really proud of him. We are doing it!!!

Peachtree Road Race

Thurs night we went and spent the night at my SIL's (Corrie) house so the kids could stay with her while we ran the PRR. We got up at 5am Friday morning to get ready for the race. We had to be at the Marta station early to get parking. We got to the station at 6:20am and found one of the very last parking spaces available. All the Marta lots on our end of 400 were filled by 6:30am. We got to Peachtree Street just in time to see the very beginning of the race. It was so exciting. Since we were in time group 9 we had to wait a long time before we could start the race. They let time group 1 start then ten mins later time group 2 got to start then 10 mins later time group 3 and so on. Time group 9 was the very last group to start. After watching the beginning of the race we had to walk another 1/2 mile or so to get to our time group area. The race started at 7:30am and I think we finally got to start around 10:00am. There were 9,000 people running in our time group so it was very crowded. We didn't get to run as much as we had hoped to because of all of the people in the way. I know not to check the casual runner/walker box next year. That is why we got put in time group 9 with all the walkers. Nothing wrong with walking it but we wanted to run. Before we got to start the race they had already announced a winner. The guy that won finished in 28:30. He had around a 4.5 min/mile. That is insane to me. People were cheering us on from the sides of the roads. Everyone was spraying us with water so we were soaking wet. So much fun. Corrie brought Mikey and Ella to the race. We got to see them about a mile before the finish line. We stopped and hugged them and then got back to it. I hope that they always remember us doing things like the PRR. We finished the race together in 1 hour and 40 mins. Our goal was to finish in under 2 hours. We did it! We got our T-shirts and had our finisher picture taken then it was a mile walk to the Marta station. Once we got back to the station that we parked at we couldn't find the car. In the excitement and craziness of the morning we couldn't remember where we parked. After a 20 min (probably another mile) walk we finally found the car. All told we walked/ran about 10 miles Friday. It was lots of fun and we will definitely do it again. We are actually planning on doing a half-marathon in November in Tenn.

If you want to see some pictures from the PRR you can go to www.marathonfoto.com . The race was the Peachtree Road Race 2008. Last name: Hill Number: 97111 (mine) or 97112 (Jon's).

I am really proud of us for finishing the PRR.

2008 is half gone! Peachtree 10K is Friday!

It's official - this year is half gone. In the first six months of this year I lost 50 lbs. I still want to lose 45 lbs. I don't know if I can lose that much by the end of the year but I sure as heck can try. I am going to try. Jon is now 8.5 lbs away from his goal weight. That is crazy to think about. My man is getting healthy and I am so proud of him.

Friday is the Peachtree 10K. 3 days til then. I am excited and scared all at the same time. There are going to be 55,000 people running the race. I am not a big crowd person. I know we can do it and we are going to. Crowds or no crowds I AM going to finish the PRR. I have lost 110.5 lbs in 10 months. I know I can finish this race. It is just a small stepping stone on this journey. This is my journey.

I AM DOING IT AND I AM PROUD!!!

Huge NSV (non scale victory)

I made a friend today. I know that sounds silly but it was a huge NSV for me. I have never been comfortable enough with myself to talk to people that I don't know and get to know them. Today I took my kids to a local park for a picnic lunch. There was a lady there with her kids walking around the track. I actually initiated a conversation with her and after talking to the lady for about 30 mins we decided to meet at the same park every morning to walk and workout. I am so excited and proud of myself. I have a workout buddy!